the comeback

I’ve been working on a post about herbs for grief and transition for months now. Since my last post in January of 2018, I found out I was pregnant, my mother died, we moved to our own home and land after an incredibly stressful many months long process, I had my baby and navigated postpartum, infancy, and now toddlerhood.  I all but shut down this blog and my online shop and my whole public practice during my pregnancy- because all of that grief, and those transitions were the limit of my bandwidth as a person. Honestly, they still are. But/and.

As a collective, we are currently dealing with an enormous amount of grief and transition. A global pandemic- what? Shelter in place? A complete breakdown of our economy? Are you even kidding me? The me who left this blog on hiatus all that time ago couldn’t have imagined this, nor could the me who began writing that piece about grief and transition. My current draft is so very much steeped in my own process and experiences and now it feels both incredibly relevant but also fundamentally irrelevant. How can that be? But also, I know that this new future for us necessarily involves being able to hold multiple and opposing truths in our hands at the same time. A skill we certainly were not taught in school but also a skill of importance up there with growing and preparing food and other basic life skills.

For this last while, I have been content with staying quiet and stepping behind. Leaving space so that others could occupy that bandwidth I might have otherwise occupied (framing it in false scarcity narrative). There are so many needs, so many opinions, so many perspectives and hands out. I didn’t have the energy to compete for the ears and eyes and wallets. I still don’t, and yet-

I know that if I continue not to write, not to make and not to share, that part of me who is a creator and a fierce human, astute observer of human culture, withers away into nothing and I begin to lose the belief in myself as that. I forget who I am and what I am capable of, which means I lose faith in who WE are and what WE are capable of.

I also know that in this new reality, I do not have the luxury of not making an income. Mothering and homemaking are not currently monetized in our culture, and while our family has the need for a financial input that is considerably lower than what the national standard is- things change all the time- transition is constant.

So here we are. And this is where I will share in a way that feels authentic to me and that is deeper than what I feel deserves to be shared on social channels. I don’t know what to share beyond that. There are projects and possibilities that are embryonic and not ready to be shared. I am learning to be okay with that- to not have it all figured out and pre-recorded before I share, to let it be amateur and rough.

My husband recently got an email from lunatic farmer Joel Salatin, and in it he basically said that when it comes to our farms- we start doing with the bare minimum. It’s ridiculous to spend 10,000 dollars on livestock infrastructure when you’ve never kept livestock before. Figure out what is the cheapest and most minimal setup you can have, and do that. Do the thing before you get caught up in the minutiae of it, because the direct experience is the only way you will know what to do next. And so here I am, with the barest bones of all possible platforms and the most basic of all messages- simply that I am back and I am here. I have faith that if I do this, I will know what to do next.

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